Cabinet Etiquette

As a twenty-something-year-old, you should have a pretty good grasp on life by now. If you don't, no need to panic, neither do I. However, at the very least, you should be aware of proper cabinet etiquette.

I've sat through a four hour etiquette class before and they completely skipped over cabinets, which is a damn shame. Sure, I know which fork is for my salad, but how often do I eat a five course meal? Answer: never. Now, how often do I use the cabinets in my house? Answer: always.

Cabinet Etiquette Rule #1: Don't put back empty boxes. There's nothing worse than having a box of apple crisp granola bars catch your eye and while your mouth begins to salivate thinking about the flaky cinnamon pastry, you grab the box only to realize it's empty. Seriously? Rude.

Cabinet Etiquette Rule #2: Don't put back a bag of cheese puffs with four cheese puffs in it. I don't know what's worse, grabbing an empty box and having your dreams immediately crushed, or being left with four cheese puffs in a giant bag. Why would you even put that back? How would that ever satiate my hunger for cheesy puffs? Either eat the last four or throw them out.

Cabinet Etiquette Rule #3: Put things back where they belong. Simple, right? WRONG. We have about six large jars of peanut butter open solely due to the fact that when someone opens the cabinet and doesn't immediately see peanut butter, we go out and buy more. This results in open peanut butter in every cabinet. It's a vicious cycle. Put things back where you got 'em!

Cabinet Etiquette Rule #4: Prevent stale Cocoa Puffs. So you're putting back a box that isn't empty, is in it's correct cabinet, and has a least a serving size left - congrats, you're almost an adult. Don't celebrate too soon, however, because if you don't roll the bag down all the way inside of the cardboard box then you might as well have broken the first three rules. There's nothing like stale cereal to start your day off on a horrible note. Don't be that guy.

Cabinet Etiquette Rule #5: Don't be a squirrel. Don't act like you don't know exactly what I'm talking about. Your mom just went shopping and she bought the Mint Milano cookies that your little brother can devour in one sitting. What's a girl to do? Hide them. Hide them like a freakin' squirrel hiding it's nuts for the winter. Everyone knows the best snacks are always tucked behind the Raisin Bran, because you know that box is never gonna move.

Got any other Cabinet Etiquette Rules? Let me know!

- CK

Booths

Picture this: you and your significant other have just arrived at the local bar and grille to grab a bite to eat. The young hostess greets you with a mouth full of metal and cheerfully chats you up as she walks you and the love of your life to the corner of the bustling restaurant. As she places your menu's on the table with a smile, you find yourself suddenly forced to make a decision. Don't panic. You are about to experience the age old booth dilemma.

FALSE.

There is no dilemma and no decision to be making here. There are two of you. There are two sides of the booth. Done.

Sitting on the same side of the booth makes for awkward conversation. I don't mean that you talk about awkward things (although you probably do, to be honest, because you're clearly weird), but I mean that you have to basically break your neck to look at the person while you're speaking. And isn't conversation a big part of going out to eat? If I didn't want to speak to the person I was going out to eat with, I would have gotten us Subway and sat on the couch at home while OD-ing on reality TV.

If you're on the same side of the booth as someone, you're immensely cutting down on personal space, as well. I don't care how in love you are with someone, you don't need to be breathing on them while they eat their chicken parm. Imagine all the elbow room you'd have if you just sat on the other side of the table like a normal person?

By the way, it's disgusting if you're sitting on the same side of the booth with the intention of invading personal space. I'm talking, like, heavy-petting and that sort of thing. News flash, nymphos: everyone know what you're doing, and it's gross, so stop.

- CK

Honey Mustard

As a kid, I didn't like cake. On my birthdays, my mom would buy TownHouse crackers and squeeze cheese (yanno, the kind from a can) and write HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRISTINE on them - one letter per cracker - for me to eat.

 

What kind of kid doesn't like cake?

 

The kind of kid who grows up to be a (semi) functioning adult who writes reviews on local honey mustards.

 

5. This is basically the loser. I mean, I'll eat it, but unlike 1-4, I never crave it or decide to go out to eat somewhere solely on smothering French fries in it's honey mustardy goodness. I couldn't make a top 4 list, because, who does that? So here we are at #5. I'll give this one to good ol' Jake N JOES. Is this a little biased and a little self-promoting? Maybe, but you'll get over it. Jake N JOES has a classic honey mustard that even my picky, cake-fearing self, will venture to eat.

 

4. Curveball: The Ninety-Nine Restaurant. I usually won't even taste honey mustard if it's yellow because that's a tell-tale sign that it's more mustard than honey, which is a disaster waiting to happen. However, the 99 blows this assumption out of the water. If you can ignore the fact that your honey mustard is neon, then this may be the honey mustard for you.

 

3. McDonald's. Hello, have you had a honey mustard snackwrap? As a rule, I try not to study anything I eat from McDonald's, so if I had to describe what their honey mustard looks like, I'd be a little shaky. I'm pretty sure it's a pale yellow with unidentified brown specks. Sounds horrendous, but you don't question deliciousness.

 

2. Unless you live in Norwood or any of it's surrounding towns, I doubt 1A Pizza would even be on your honey mustard radar and I fear that I've just exposed a hidden gem. 1A chicken fingers and fries with honey mustard is basically one of my major food groups. I've already said too much.

 

1. Anyone who knows anything about honey mustard would put Town Spa Pizza at the top of this list. Town Spa has a very honey-looking honey mustard that I have yet to experience anywhere else, which is a damn shame because driving 20 minutes for French fries and sauce is embarrassing. Their honey mustard, like McDonald's, also has large brown specks, which used to make me uncomfortable but I've grown to ignore them and just let it happen. I am completely unashamed to admit that I've bought this delicious honey mustard in pints and have also received it as gifts. ..... okay maybe I'm a little ashamed that I just admitted that.

 

- CK

 

But seriously.. what's with the unidentified specks?